yeah its been forever since my last entry. so much has changed.

so since nonna died, nonno moved in with me and my mom. this has made me pretty tense... i mean my mom went from being a cool friend of mine to being totally annoying. idk what happened, if she's changed or maybe i have, but things are different.

my crush, formerly known as A but i will reveal his name to be alex (yuupp hes alex and im alexis, thats lovely aint it?) was totally there for me with the nonna situation. he kept me company at her wake and all. in march he asked me out officially, and hes my boyfriend. im totally in love, and im so happy because he really is my best friend. im happy we were such good friends first. anyway, we started going to parties with this group of people.. theres these 9 girls who are "best friends" but they always talked about each other behind each others backs. i sat with like half of them at lunch and they totally ripped girls apart. but they started to open up to me and i started hanging out with them. everything was going great until my other friend told me she heard them talking about me. they were being sooo mean. they said things like im disgusting and too skinny and i have no ass and when i take off my jeans i must look gross because i have no butt just bones. soo personal.. it totally tainted everything.

then there was prom (when we had to make seating arrangements one of the girls was saying how she didnt want me at her table...im telling you these girls totally suck!!).. prom was in may and it was pretty good since i had alex but... the unthinkable happened at the actual dance... i got my period OUT OF NOWHERE. and my dress was yellow. yeahhhh insert tears here. noone could tell and i got a tampon from somebody, but still. it ruined everything!! everyone goes down the shore after prom and gets wasted at a motel but i got sick from drinking on the partybus on the way down.. which basically meant the weekend was ruined for me. when we got to the motel, the police were EVERYWHERE and a senior had already gotten arrested. yeahhh. but it was an ok time.. not awesome, but still fun.

so that was may.. and ill skip to the present... SCHOOLS OUTTT!!!! now i just need some good ideas on what to do with my life now. i will not stand to be bored again this summer!!!!

my world has spiraled out of control.

so the friday once i got back home my nonna (grandma for all you non italians) started complaining to my nonno about her stomach aches. she hasnt been able to breathe well. saturday my mom had a "girls night" with her friends and my nonno wanted to bake them pizzas (he's made pizzas since forever, and theyre amazing. some are like normal pizza and then he makes this one with cabbage and then another with ham and cheese and its like a pizza sandwich. hard to explain, but its a family tradition). that night i went out with my cousin adrian, whos awesome, we love hanging out. the whole day my nonna called my mom and was telling her how she felt bad and had chest pains. i told my mom she should take nonna to the ER but my mom was like "oh no they'll call me if it gets worse". later i had adrian call them and nonna told us how she had a dream of me and all. anyway, sunday they didnt want to eat at my house for sunday dinner because nonna just wanted to stay home and have some soup. monday i left school early so my mom could take nonna to her doctor without worrying about picking me up from school. the doctor said she should go to the ER. that night they admitted her into the hospital. they said she had had a heart attack, and was having one at the doctors office. they said she needed to have open heart surgery.

nonna and nonno have always been against surgery but the doctors told us she had a 95% chance of being okay. friday was the day of the surgery. after school my mom took me to wait in the waiting room but it ended up being around 8 oclock and we hadnt heard anything. my mom had my cousin drive me home and everyone else stayed at the hospital. the next day my mom and nonno went to see her in the morning and nonna tried to hug my nonno but she was too weak. then adrian and my aunt went and the doctors took nonnas breathing tube out. after that they saw she couldnt breathe on her own and put it back in. when i saw her she was so sedated that she couldnt even open her eyes. sunday night the doctor called and said the family needs to go to the hospital so she could talk to us. she said she has been getting progressively worse and that within 24 hours we'd know what would happen.

this morning at 6 they called and said to rush to the hospital to say goodbye. 5 minutes later they called back and said she already died.

my nonnos a mess. their lives were a classic love story. i'm gonna write about it but im in a little bit of a rush right now.

i'm so devastated. my heart feels heavy. i miss her but i just cant believe it. she looked so young and the doctors said she looked like she was in her 50s and she was really 82. she was the greatest person. she practically raised me. i spent so much time in their house growing up.

these next few days will be so hard.

so yesterday morning i got home from a 4 day vacation in california. i stayed in santa monica and it was just me and my mom. i have concluded that a mommy and me vacation is not a vacation.. we pissed each other off like never before. its soo good to be back home, i definitely need some space. normally we're practically best friends, but there was no escaping her!!!! haha. the trip was sort of a letdown because it was totally cold.. granted, back home it was 30 degrees, but there it was like 50-60 degrees, aka not bathing suit weather. the best part of the trip was when we visited USC. omg i fell in love. i need to apply there. i know its totally far away, but walking around the campus, it just felt so right. it was everything a college should be. and besides, whether i go to new york or california, an hour away or 6 hours away, its not gonna be home. so really whats the difference?

oh and i found out that i definitely take new york city for granted. its 25 minutes away and i never take advantage of it. ive created a short term goal list.
1. score high on the SATs (which are a week from today)
2. go to the city 2x a month
3. finally see boston (and visit some colleges on the way)
4. get a 4.6 gpa

this 4 day trip was supposed to be the longest time A and i have been apart since summer, but his flights keep getting cancelled (he's in miami) so its gonna be like over a week. im impressed i made it this long without getting depressed. we've talked everyday so i guess its not all that impressive, lol. im pretty upbeat lately.. actually i have crazy mood swings, but hey the good moments are really happy!!

alright i think im ready for breakfast so ill write more soon. sorry its been so long since the last post!!

ok this is the first time all week ive gotten a moment to actually relax. school is driving me craaaazzy. i need to learn to not get distracted. tuesday i had an appointment with guidance and i picked out my classes for next year, but i already need to change them. ugh. well i guess nothing really exciting has happened to me.. but TUESDAY IM GOING TO THE SPICE GIRLS CONCERT!!!! i am beyond excited. i cannot wait. they were my childhood. the end.

tonight im thinking of laying low and having a heath ledger tribute with my mommy.. yes i am still mourning him. im still in the denial stage of grieving. but ill be okay.

hmm.. ok just checking in ill write more in a bit!

this week is soo... blehhh. mondays. they suck. tuesdays. not much better.

well this weekend was pretty good. friday (aka last day of midterms) i went to the movies with A and i fell asleep... it was a long week!!! give me a break!! haha. then saturday A and i went to my dads new condo.. he moved in last week and ive been dying to check out my new room! (side note: i approve). then me and A went back to my house and watched movies and ate chinese.. and then sunday i went to the mall and stopped by A's house for like an hour before dinner. overall, fun. things are so blurred with us.. but i kinda like the undefined-ness of it all.

teachers are officially psycho. they are LOADING the work this week. we get another week-long break at the end of february so i guess they think its a great idea to suddenly have ridiculously high expectations from all of us. ugh. i say we all retire now and move to the virgin islands and sip pina coladas for the rest of our days :) anyone with me?

today was the day ive been anxious to put behind me...midterms for physics and ap history. so.. yeah i was avoiding today for a reason. they were IMPOSSIBLE and im pretty sure my intelligence has escaped me. i am sooo upset i studied really really hard for history but it was the wrong way to study apparently. ok, i wont bore the world any more than i already have... but i am SOOO disappointed!!! ugh.

my job hunt continues.. i went to two pizzerias and left my name and number.. and im contemplating working at a grocery store, like a&p or something. it sounds so lame but have you seen the people that work at those places? theyre all relatively young. which is what i need.. people my age to escape from this suffocating bubble. i swear my school and the towns around it are ridiculously closed off.. and its not even like the schools small!

one of my closest friends at the moment, J, works at shoprite. our friendship is kinda weird. weve known each other forever, but we lost touch in like 8th grade. and then at the end of last year we started talking again, and it was so refreshing. shes been through depression and eating issues too, and shes still the only person ive ever really been able to talk to about it uncensored. we talk alot and hang out in school, but outside school she only really hangs out with her shoprite friends and boyfriend (he works there too). im okay with that because we still talk all the time and thats what i really need her for. but i want a shoprite!! haha what i mean is i want an escape from my surroundings. i have to make the best out of my situation.

i also havent mentioned my somewhat love interest, A. last year during my depression, going to school was awful and scary. but we always talked. my friends stopped talking to me and got mad at me when i didnt call them, but with him it was never about that. we would always text each other, and it was never about who texted who first. anyway, we started talking and hanging out more on weekends. and its been such a nice change of pace. we kissed two weeks ago too. but then i had my two week sad period about hating school (see past entries haha). and i started to freak myself out. ive never had a boyfriend before. im afraid that im afraid of commitment. im so accustomed to living for myself, not checking in with anybody. and i like my alone time more than anyone else i know. plus, i havent been with anyone during my depression years, and ive only kissed one other boy before A... and im 17!! its embarrassing. and im not gonna lie, i was scared about doing it wrong! oh well i guess im just that special breed of freak. i can see it now, twenty years from now, me chilling with my dog watching casablanca. yup. its gonna happen.

my dad moved into a condo like thirty minutes away from my house today.. hes been living in manhattan, and lately ive actually been missing him. we've had a really really really rocky relationship and im surprised that im so happy hes going to be closer. i get to see it tomorrow.. its supposedly the size of my house and i have my own bedroom and everything. yay..

he came over and i guess ive been hoping that he could pull some strings and get me into some boarding school and i can start my life over today. but none of that happened, and im alright with it. ive made sooo many mistakes with school. and the only choice i have now is to hang in there. school sucks, and i hate the people there. they arent like me, and i feel totally alone, even though ive tried to be social. ive decided that all that is okay. on my free time, i like being alone sometimes, and im going to stop giving myself such a hard time for it. and school sucks for almost everyone, right?

once midterms are over and done with, im thinking about getting a job of some sort.. i have no clue where to look, but ive been thinking about it for a while. i dont want toooo much responsibility, but i really want to meet people close-ish to my age. i need some people outside of school to talk to, since the people in school are pretty set with their cliques.

ugh what i really NEED is for a) summer and b) college to come ASAP!

its fridayyy. yesterday i had my mom pick me up early from school and today i basically slept through the entire school day. its the weekend before midterms, which means i will spend the entire time studying, and the time that i wont be studying will be spent telling myself that i should be studying. i hate midterms. idk who decided that kids need to kill themselves trying to memorize massive amounts of information, but whoever it is needs to be castrated ASAP.

im so upset lately... everything accumulated into this huge pit in my stomach. it crept up on me. yesterday i finally had a good cry. it was much needed.

ive decided that the world is in dire need of a TIME MACHINEEE!!! or maybe i just need to learn to follow through with decisions.

i got an 89 on part one of my history test, which i can deal with. im a little worried that its the week before midterms and i am so not worried about them right now. its not even that im confident with the material. i just dont want to think about it yet.

lately ive been thinking more and more about my chance to go to boarding school this year. i spent last year regretting leaving the first private school i went to, and i was so excited when i had heard that i got into the boarding school. i hate feeling regret because i know its a useless emotion that is only detrimental to my life. but still.. i cant help but feel that way. i was definitely too afraid to leave my comfort zone. and here i am basically repeating my routine from last year. i vow to not be permanently sad!!!

i wish i was more outgoing..im not talkative at school at all. outside of school im really not so quiet, but its hard for me to open up at school. i feel like its something i would like to work on, but no matter how hard i consciously try, its just not gonna change.

i hate being stuck with what ive got, and knowing deep down that it could have easily been different. walking down the hallway to my locker this morning, i got a nice whiff of cigarette smoke.. at 7:20 in the morning. and in 9th period i found out about a sophomore that told the school she found out she was pregnant. LOVE IT...

so today was as usual uneventful. school was typical. i was supposed to volunteer at the red cross directly from school but i cancelled.. i think i have a mental defect where i just hate the world after 7 hours of classes..like i get unnaturally pissed at everyone as soon as i get home. hmm.

lately ive been particularly nostalgic. this summer i was supposed to go away to a boarding school. i started to freak out about it as the day got closer, but everyone around me decided to ignore me. come moving day, i cried so hard it literally hurt. i couldnt breathe and i was physically exhausted. my dad told me i was throwing my ivy-league college dreams away. and now, five months later, i hate the fact that he was probably right. so many people at my public school are so not like me. i hate feeling trapped in my own little world. im sick of being lonely, and i dont want to be sad anymore.

my sadness started when my dad made me go to a private school freshman year. i couldnt stand the fact that he had all the control over my life, so i rebelled and lost a lot of weight. i was super depressed for a long time. then sophomore year my mom told my dad i could go to whatever school i please. i chose the public school that i had gone to up until freshman year. big mistake. i regretted leaving private school. i got uber-depressed and my eating was once again affected. my friends couldnt deal with my sadness, so i lost the best friends ive had since i was 9 years old. this year ive been so different. ive been a lot less sad and ive reached out to more people. my friends moved on without me, and they wont take me back. being lonely hurts.

this is my first entry and i really dont know what im doing.

im so stressed and confused. its 430 in the morning (oh yeah ive become an insomniac) and there was supposed to be a huge snow storm during the night so i was kind of praying for an effing day off school...i was supposed to study for an AP history test yesterday because it determines whether i can keep my b+, get an a-, or just deteriorate to a b. but hey no pressure or anything. and i was supposed to read 8 chapters of huck finn for english. yeah...didnt do that.

why couldnt god just embrace the season and give us some friggin snow?

junior year started out pretty okay, but now im pretty sure it sucks. i fell into a major depression this weekend...i sat around feeling sad.. my mom cancelled plans to keep me company. wow. replaying it is pretty scary.

im in need of different people. at school i look around feeling pretty lonely. like everyone has these set groups and im just kind of looking at them. im in a rut i think. i feel separated from like everyone. for example, at lunch when people ask for gum, no one asks me for it.. and if i offer it they will wait to see if anyone else has it instead. and i think i hate teenagers. at least most of the ones i know. this feeling runs deeper, thanks to my experience from last year, which i will get to when im not so freaking tired. anyway.. im convinced im not really a teenager. im either someone way older or a little kid.

thus, im so stressed and confused.